Tips for Helping Shy Kids With Social Development
When a child is considered “shy,” it often means they are highly sensitive (aware of and strongly affected by their environment), introverted (needing time away from others), less interested in social interaction due to being absorbed in their own worlds, or anxious in social situations. Most children grow out of their “shyness” after gaining confidence through experience and learning more about the world around them, but it can be difficult to watch them struggle during their childhood.
Because of this, it’s important to notice their needs and respond to them appropriately. Read on to learn more about the characteristics of shyness, why some children are more shy than others, and tips for helping a shy child make friends.
Characteristics Of Shyness
Surprisingly, it may not be obvious what your child is struggling with if they seem out of sorts. Shyness could show in some or all these symptoms:
Trembling
Rapid heart rate
Stomachache
Blushing
Sweating
Children may also:
Feel nervous
Avoid social interactions
Appear overly self-conscious
Show feelings of low self-esteem
You may notice some of these characteristics are more common or happen during certain activities or during particular situations. Keeping an eye out for them can help you help your child.
Why Are Some Children Shy?
Knowing what causes shyness can also help you better understand how to help them. There are several things that can cause shyness including:
Genetics.
Fear of failure, often enforced by a parent.
Lack of social interaction. Social skills develop early, so those who grow up more isolated tend to shy away from their peers.
Personality, especially being emotionally sensitive.
Family relationships such as overly protective parents or inconsistent care from a parent.
Harsh criticism.
Learned behavior, typically meaning the child’s parents are shy.
11 Tips for Helping A Shy Child Make Friends
If you notice your child or a child you are with exhibit signs of shyness, here are a few things you can do to help them feel more confident and secure so they can make friends and feel comfortable in their situation.
1. Empathize With Their Worries
Acknowledge what your child feels. Let them know there’s nothing wrong with their feelings. Empathizing will also help the child develop their own empathy through modeling, which can help enhance their social skills and ability to connect with others. Additionally, teaching your child empathy will help them to focus on others rather than themselves, which can help their peers feel more connected to them.
2. Avoid Shaming Them
Making a child feel bad about being shy will likely only make things worse. It can give impression that something is wrong with them, which usually leads to greater insecurity.
Additionally, try not to label your child as “shy.” Children can adopt this way of thinking and continue acting shy. Also try to downplay any situations where someone else labels your child as shy.
Let others know, such as babysitters or teachers, that your child may be slow to warm up or feel uncomfortable in new situations. Ask they give time to adjust, but also let them know how to help your child adjust.
3. Recognize That Discomfort Is OK
Children may not realize that discomfort is a normal feeling, especially in new situations. Teach your child that discomfort is ok, but it’s important to notice when they are feeling uncomfortable so that they can learn from it.
For example, start by evaluating the situation. Is there something new to learn? Someone new to meet? Teach them how to reassure and support themselves and to take small steps to engage with the newness. Don’t force your child to engage when they aren’t ready but help them create a comfortable environment that allows them to develop more naturally.
Over time, children will realize that discomfort sometimes leads to positive experiences, and they can learn to embrace the process of learning and discovery.
4. Model Confident Behavior
Children learn by watching, so it’s important to model confident behavior ourselves. Be friendly to strangers, offer help to others, and remain relaxed in social interactions or new situations. Having someone to watch and learn from can be the greatest teaching tool.
5. Teach Proper Social Skills
This is important for making friends as well as maintaining friendships throughout their life. This can include:
Eye contact
Handshakes
Smiling
Responding to conversation appropriately
Practice at home and make it a game while asking “what should I say/do” to get the child thinking about proper behavior in social situations.
6. Practice Making Friends
Role play. Teach them how to respond when another child initiates conversation, how to join a game, introduce themselves, and other common situations. For example, share with them to first observe a group of kids playing, and then find a way to fit into the group rather than just inserting themselves in the middle.
Use props like dolls or stuffed animals, or actually role play with your child being themselves and you being another child. Additionally, explain why friends are important, such as they will help make the child happier, improve their life, give them support and someone to play with, and other positive reasons.
7. Coach Expressing Needs
It’s important for a child to have confidence in handling situations that arise when a parent isn’t around. This is especially important when dealing with teasing or bullying. Role playing can be helpful here as well: Share a situation and then ask, “what would you do?” This allows the child to think for themselves through responses and outcomes and learn what is appropriate.
Expressing needs, concerns, anger/frustration, and other emotions appropriately is important through every stage of life, and helping your child learn this at a young age will help them be more successful in tough situations. Examples include:
Avoid yelling or getting frustrated.
Avoid violence.
Speak in a calm voice and express what they are feeling/what happened.
If necessary, find a grown up (and what situations a grown up should always help with, like if a child gets hurt).
8. Share Effective Strategies For Dealing With Their Feelings
Feeling shy or nervous in certain situations is a part of life, so it’s important to teach your child strategies to deal with those feelings if they have them and aren’t able to shake them. For example:
Reassure yourself it’s ok.
Focus on others vs. yourself.
You don’t have to be interesting or center of attention but interested in others.
Ask questions and listen to answers.
Brainstorm and role play how your child may handle situations that make them nervous so they are more prepared to tackle real-life experiences.
9. Provide Opportunities To Interact With Others
Children in general, especially shy children, need plenty of opportunities to practice their skills. Consider enroll your child in a before- or after-school program, school activity, athletic activity, club, or other extracurricular. Set up play dates with other children. Having them your own home can help your child feel more comfortable. Explain that many friendships start with people who have similar interests.
However, remember it’s important to provide your child with downtime and separation, especially as they learn to cope. Don’t push them to a point they are so uncomfortable they shut down, as this makes it more difficult to get to a place they feel confident.
10. Set Friendship Goals
Setting goals gives a child a clear milestone to work toward, which can be more motivating to break out of their shell.
For example, set a goal for your child to talk to the child they want to be friends with once before the end of the week. Make sure the goal realistic and something the child can accomplish. Then, don’t forget to celebrate when they reach the goal.
11. Prepare Your Child
When heading into a new situation or environment, anticipate your child’s feelings and take time to prepare them for what to expect. For example, give pointers for making friends, or remind them of a time they were in a new situation previously and got through it.
Try arriving to the any places early so your child can explore by themselves before other children arrive. You can also explain to them (to the best of your ability) what to expect so they can have some level of comfort before arriving.
Enroll in a Maryland Before and After School Care Program
Enrolling your child in a Baltimore or Harford County before and after care program is a great way to help them with social development. Extra time outside of school hours to spend with other kids and compassionate, patient adults can make all the difference. It can give kids the time they need to foster friendships and become more comfortable around others. Contact Caliday to learn about Maryland’s best before and after school care programs, or begin the process of enrolling your child today.
